Lee Evans

Anyone remember the monkish English man from There's Something about Mary?

Well he was alright in that film and ok in Mouse Hunt too but he is a really funny comedian.

Here are some quotes from one of his great Wembley shows. (Beware of strong language!).

Why do we always have the wrong number? You might have the wrong f*cking house!

I said to my wife 'If I ever get like that ya know mumbling to myself and sh*tting my pants shoot me' she said 'f*cking run monkey boy'

My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't f*cking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!

The Great British seagulls, they are f*cking huge! You see 'em with feathers rolled up, f*cking tattoos. There's always one with a gammy leg. They're on mobile's now. It's like, "Chips, chips, two o' clock." They come up to you and are like, "Oy! Monkey Boy! Giz a fuckin' chip!"

Lee Evans: At school they made you do stuff, like swim in your pajamas, what the hell point was that? You'll be asleep. Someone comes up to you and goes, "Somebody's drowning!". You'll be like, "I don't give a f*ck. I was havin' a lovely dream."

I actually spent four days in my hotel room 'cause I closed the door and there was a sign on the door saying "Do Not Disturb" and I thought, "Fuck I can't get out!"... In my cupboard was a blanket and a pillow, that was the worst night's sleep I've ever fucking had... and the Corby trouser press, don't it hurt your legs!

I tried water polo and my horse drowned... that was a nightmare.

[on doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say, "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No you bloody won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the f*ck down!"

Lee Evans: I had a long sleep, f*ck it I deserve a nap

I strongly suggest you look him up on Youtube.